im _____ or whatever you want me to be
my final delve into my inner psyche

thgings about me







-nothingness consumes me
-i can feel the noose of god hang around my neck and as everyday goes on i can feel it hang higher and higher
one day my feet willl not toucht he floor
-i dont have a name or a person anymore im merely a shell of the human i oonce was
-please dont touch me
-i love my frienddds

what am i if not a product of this world
humanity creates death and destrcution, war, genocide and all this fucking hatred

we're stags in a sea of corpses of our brethren and kin.
i can see the hunters coming back over the horizon to finish their work.
iron is all i can smell and theres blood, so much blood.
they draw ever closer and all we can do is stand there amongst the rest waiting for the shots to hit us
there is no use running as soon we will be at peacec.

we are merely cattle being led to the slaughterhouse, the leads hang heavy around our necks like a faux noose, i can see my friends being torn to shreds for the enjoyment of a hgiher power but i cant run.
im just stuck in the line of death with no escape.

i have lots of thoughts about the afterlife and what comes after death, if heaven is real im not going there.
god and his cruel games are driving me insane, is he even real? why would he let us all suffer and why would he let us divert from his divinity, sometimes i wonder if he is divine or its a cloak of some sort. maybe he's just a powerful force that is only here to bring us pain, or are we the ones to blame? did we do the higher ups wrong and this is our punishment? i didnt do anything wrong im really just a biproduct of what the human race has come to be, i wish i could return to the womb.
a forever warm and comforting world. no thoughts, no pain, no desires, just you and me safe in the amniotic fluid of our mother.

god please have mercy on this fallen grace we call home

are we really the worst things in this universe? every creature kills and steals for their own sake as if everything is in a harmonic state of sin

when i first came to the internet as a young child i dont think i new what was to become of me, it all started to innocently with me just playing some safe games that somehow still brought me anguish at some pointss, this is the true nature of the world, we were meant to share pain. we all live inn a interconnected world of agony, you feel my pain and i will feel yours so to say. all of us hold hands and bleed eachothers blood.

i want to return to a simpler time, heh dont we all. i feel like even if i went back in time my mind would still be broken, i live to be punished and the more well offs live to hold to whip that thrashes my back, it slices me open? why is it getting stronger.
maybe my binds will rot some day and i will walk a free woman, but still. i will lay waiting will the fragments of my imprisonment around me, waiting for the torturers to bind me back up with stronger material. none of us can truely escape. we are too afraid of what is beyond us, it could be a door that leads us to a worse reality, or it could just be a drop off into the nothingness below, we stand on a pier above a black ocean. you cannot see the bottom, everything is so silent yet so loud. will you jump? find what lays waiting beneath the surface?

people are not naturally happy, and that's why we all crav e it. we fucking crave hope and a truely happy life, and sometimses god graces us with small glimmers of it. but it's fleeting, a faux dream of something truely loving. a caring partner, your favorite food, rapture, death, mourning, YOU. what do you want?
ive given all i can give havent i?
thats the thing about people, nothing we are given is ever good enough.

who are you?

yes who are you?

then i will name you eve

do you like your name, eve?


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i think it feels something like a warm fuzzy feeling inside yourself

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i am adam

i think i do

you never answered my question though

yes

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i do not know who i am, i hide behind someone else for i am adam, the hollowed out version of you, i love you so much eve that i created you, i created you because i was scared of getting hurt, and you are so strong and beautiful and i need you. my other half you will be my mask. and i. will be your walker, use me until you cant keep trudging across the planes of extinction and then i will put you to rest, your grave will be beautiful because you, eve, are the most beautiful wonderful human to exist.

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i cannot hold myself up anymore eve

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no

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we are her

you complete me eve

you hate me because i cannot care for myself and i use you for my own protection but i can never hate you. i love you eve

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we are 2 sides in a constant argument

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i am sadness and love

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we will be together until we hit the brink of our humanity

we will die, hand in hand

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me?

i dont have a name

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i dont know. what does it feel like to like something?


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what is your name then?

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do you like your name?

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who am i?

i still do not know
i have just been born into this empty plane and you are already asking me to construct a person around myself
do i have to lie? create a fake persona, it doesnt have to be likable, just human enough to be accepted

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adam, why do you hold onto me like a child to its mother, you create faux shields because you fear what could be on the other side, you praise me with protection and care and yet you tear away at your own skin. you are a dog at my side, your rib tear into your sides and yet you bring me all the food you find, i am stuffed adam. eat the food for yourself. maybe you dont let me eat because you want me to survive but more because you are worried maybe if you ate it it would be poisoned , am i just your decoy?

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stop running away

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could you ever?

who is she?

who is she?

who are we?

she is us

you complete me, adam

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we are 2 people connected yet so far apart

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i am anger and happiness

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what is gonna happen to us

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and then?

when i was raped i had to be around 5 or so, my dad made me give him a blowjob, i still feel like i lied about it, even the lawyer thought i was lying, but if i was lying why did i know what happened so well for a kid. i knew what cum was, i said it, i said it, i said it. "my dad put his weewee in my mouth and goo came out" or something like that, i dont kknow it was years ago now and i hate talking about it. the only reason i can right now is because im off my fucking rocker

i remember being in my pink cute girly room telling my mother about it, to get out of seeing him or something. it felt like i was making it up on the spot, i probably was tbh. "goo came out" i felt it go through my head as if it would be a noticable lie, or maybe it was me remembering, i probably wasnt raped and i was fucking lying, liar. im a liar at heart so thats probably the case.

but what if it was true, i think about that house and its pink and red, i remember the bath, bath, bath, bath, big and circular? like a bowl. and dollls, lots of dolls, bedroom with dolls in it, on the bed. did i sleep there? sleep with the dolls on the bed. couch and tv, someone is sitting on the couch, who is he, i dont know who that is, someone? family? family i hate. hate them. backyard, toy car? i found a toy car behind the water tank, and the grass is so green and i am so young.

crying, i was crying on the porch, what about? the day i happened? and the memory is all green, i dont remember what happened i was too young and it was a lie? did i lie? did you lie? you were too young it all seems too real.

and mailbox, colorful, we are going to dads now, i am so young and we are in a Mercedes, old car, memories of that car dont seem real, i am a young child and we are at the house, his house, is there a soccerball outside? or the net? i think it was the net. everything is dark in stormy and i think we're in the countryside and there is miles of wheat or grass? i cant tell anymore. the house seems wooden, we are here to see him. mum is gone. i dont rememmber, i am tired and then i wake yp in a bed, i am sleeping on a racecar pillow, i cant remember the smell, bed has no frame to my rememberence, when did i fall asleep? what did i do here? liar, you can remember but you dont WHY DONT YOU REMEMBER

my mother is asking me if i want to see him again
no
no
no
no
its always no
why? did he do it? it seems too real

i am at a center and i am playing with a mr potato head, i pretend to want to maybe see my dad again to play with these fun toys, but im scared. i do not end up seeing my dad.

you look up his name, what is his name? you dont remember anymore, i think it was david? it was david? david is a stupid name, you hate alot of people named david. you look him up and look at him with his new family, you have no reaction other than being uncomfortable, make him your homescreen for shits and giggles, hes ugly and your friend laughs at him, he told you to make your rapist dad your homescreen and you obeyed.
disgusting

you hate your dad and you are a liar

i had to be around 11 when i was groped and assaulted by my own grandfather

my mother and grandmother were just out at the shops and i didnt want to come, i wanted to stay with him because i trusted him, i trusted the person who would be my downfall
i dont remember what happened that day, so many different stories have been told at this point, something about a pool but i think that was a different time. was it? i dont rememeber i dont rememebr stop ASKING ME I DONT REMEMBER
wwhat i do remember is what he did to me

i was so intrigued by the fact he could draw straiught lines without a ruler, you wanted it whore. shut up SHUT UP SHUT UP
i wanted to see how straight they were and i layed down with my head on his legs, i was wearing a dress
i dont like dresses anymore
i dont rememmber it perfectly its been too long
he put his fucking hand down my underwear, thats the reason i wear boxers now, nothing will ever be how it usefd to because of him
he put his dirty finger on my pussy
rubbing it , uncomfortably, why did i stop him? then he put his hands on my developing breasts, rubbing my nipples? i dont remember he switched between my nether region and chest a couple times and then layed my dress back down over me
i didnt fight back? why? what would have happened if i did? i hate his voice
pushing me off him like it was my fault, fucking freak, pedophile, incestual cunt

i hate talkign about it
he didnt even get a month in jail, everyone forgives him

why
why
i wish he did worse so he went there and got raped
fuck you
i hate your name, voice, face, i s aw your face and had a breakdown, it scared me and i cried so hard i was terrified, i heard your voice, you called me that stupid pet name as if you never did anything bad to me, i ran and cried for an hour, it scared me, i was so scared, someone mentions you and i fear and want to cry

the effects have bee devestating ever since that day
hypersexuality, a biproduct of trauma
i hurt my friends
they will never forgive me

I will never forgive you
FUCK YOU

my final say to this insanity will be my mental health

i suffer from, some form of adhd/autism, ptsd, anxiety, depression and im a pathological liar
it doesnt seem that bad but it drives me to the breaking point, one day im going to hit it and then what? i can imagine the day as a beautiful ending to my story, with my spiraling and probably crying my eyes out. and blood all of it will leave me, maybe ill stab myself open? shoot my head to pieces
who knows anymore
this is the shortest part of my breakdown cause we're at the end now
im about to pass out and regret this in the morning
my stomach hurts and i am calm
ive been playing the same 2 song songs on repeat for hours
i am calm and i am writing the ending to my breakdown

i havent gotten much out of this despite a strange will to live? i dont know im weird like that
i dont know who i am yet or whats going to become of me and my mask but i think we're going to get through this

i love you eve for i am adam, your loyal servant until the end