Real talk: Dating is confusing. Between decoding texts, figuring out if the person you’re into really likes you back or is just a flirt, and if the date is going to end with a kiss or an awkward hug — the subtleties are endless. And that’s on top of finding someone of substance who is actually worth your time in the first place.
Imagine dealing with all the stresses of dating and it being 10 times harder: You can’t read between the lines or pick up on subtext. Loud noises and bright lights freak you out, but you don’t know how to explain this to the guy you’ve been crushing on for 10 months who finally asked you to the movies. Oh, and you really don’t like it when people touch you. Welcome to the world of dating when you’re autistic.
Autism is a brain disorder that affects about one in 88 young people in the U.S. and its symptoms vary greatly from person to person. Even the above examples aren’t things everyone on the spectrum experiences. But some common signs include having trouble with social interactions, repetitive behavior, extra-sensitivity to light, sound, smell, and touch, and emotional detachment.
To get a better sense of what dating on the spectrum is like IRL— and not just on Netflix — Teen Vogue talked to women in their late teens and early 20s to find out.
Dropping the A bomb
Teens with autism meet people the same way everyone else does: at school, through friends, online. It’s not like the autism world is a little clique where autistic people only date each other. Which brings up dating obstacle number one: telling someone you like or are dating you’re on the spectrum. (And no, you can’t always tell.)
“I told my ex-boyfriend I was autistic after we had been dating for 18 months and he freaked out,” says 17-year-old Jennifer Lewis. “His view of autism was completely different to the reality of it.”
The stereotype that everyone with autism is the same is a huge frustration. “Not everyone is non-verbal, rocks back-and-forth, or screams when they get overwhelmed,” says Linda Shuler-Kagelaris, who is 22. “It’s a spectrum.”
The anxiety of “coming out with autism” is a big reason why Olivia Cantu started an online dating website called Spectrum Singles two years ago when she was 18. “[Going on the site] eliminates that fear completely,” she says.
The key is understanding and not being afraid to ask questions. “Before my diagnosis at 21, I had already been dating my boyfriend for a year and we’d already known each other for five,” says 23-year-old Hannah Sharples. “At that point, he was very much aware of my difficulties socializing and communicating. When we first met, my behavior was very awkward and obsessive.” Because they were already close, she wasn’t nervous to tell him about her autism — and he was super supportive.
How dating is different
Since being on the spectrum makes it harder to read peoples’ facial cues, body language, and subtext, communication can be tricky.
“Often, I assume I’ve done something wrong and work myself up over it,” Hannah says. “My boyfriend is patient and knows not to react to it negatively. He’s able to calm me down.”
Twenty-year-old *Tina says because communication is already tricky, it’s important to be explicitly clear. “I like categorizations, so not knowing what a relationship is — what we are — is not a good idea.”
Someone who is autistic might have a different idea of a perfect date than someone who isn't, too. Because many people on the spectrum are super sensitive to light and sound, a trip to the food court and movies can lead to a sensory-overload disaster.
“Somewhere like McDonalds, it’s loud and the smells can be overwhelming, and all the people going in and out is a lot,” says Linda. “I can hear the fryers, the people in the back yelling back and forth, customers at the drive-thru yelling into the speaker, and people dropping things. I can actually hear the bright lights. They make a loud buzz. It’s really frustrating when I’m there trying to spend time with the person I want to be with and just focus on them.” Her advice: Pick somewhere with dim lighting that’s quiet.
Group dates are also typically tricky. “With a group of people, I can’t easily establish a rapport with everyone because there is so much going on,” Tina says. “It’s like playing a game of catch-up you don’t understand. One-on-one is much easier.”
A big part of dating someone is a lot more physical contact. While holding hands and making out can make your heart race in a good way, for someone with autism, it can sometimes make them feel uncomfortable. “With touch, always ask,” Tina says. “Some people are for it and some are against it. Some days, I love physical contact. Other days, I’m like, nope!”
Olivia, the Spectrum Singles founder, has been dating a non-autistic person for two years and says her discomfort for physical affection was an obstacle for them when they started dating. “I don’t really like to be touched that often or that much and for someone else, that might be kind of insulting or hurtful,” she says. “It’s not that I want to hurt someone. It’s just that I don’t want to feel anxious or uncomfortable.”
But after she told her boyfriend how she felt, they figured out what worked for both of them. “For us, it’s a timed process,” she says. “I’m fine being held for a certain amount of time, but then I need to go have my alone thing. And since we talked about it, he understands it. He’ll go off and do his own thing.”
Just like everyone else, what people on the spectrum want most in a partner is to be understood and appreciated for who they are. “Autism isn’t all doom and gloom,” Hannah says. “There’s a positive side to it. We have a unique perspective on the world and can introduce you to a new way of thinking you might not have considered before.”
