Dealing with sexuality of the intellectually disabled

Sex. The topic can still be taboo, perhaps an echo of our Puritan roots.

But what about the desires of those who suffer from intellectual disabilities? It can be an uncomfortable subject for many, but it needn’t be, experts say.

Last week in Staunton, the trial and second-degree murder conviction of Isaiah D. Stuart, 17, raised some of those questions. Julian Parrott, 26, a Staunton man with intellectual disabilities, was killed by Stuart at Gypsy Hill Park in 2014 during a meeting of the two at night. Stuart and Parrott, whose intellect was somewhere on the range of a third-grader to that of a young teen, may have been in an intimate relationship, according to testimony. There was evidence of sexual contact, but it was never determined if the contact was consensual or forced.

The case brought up an issue that isn’t often discussed publicly — sexuality for those that suffer from intellectual disabilities, including both how to manage it happily ... and how to protect yourself from people who want to take advantage.

Intellectually disabled or not, people who go through puberty and hormonal changes have sexual desires.

When a person with an intellectual disability starts experiencing sexual desires, for example a 30-year-old man, there’s a tendency for society to look upon that person as being a child stuck in a man’s body and rejecting the notion that they should have sex.

“You don’t want to associate a ‘5-year-old’ with having sexual desires,” explained Dustin Wright, the community liaison coordinator for the Valley Community Services Board in Staunton. “And that’s not the case. In our mind, he’s a 30-year-old in a 30-year-old body.”

Wright said the issue of sex for the intellectually disabled is a common theme in his line of work.

“Everyone is human,” he said. Each case is treated on an individual basis. Clients, if they’re experiencing sexual urges, are educated about sex, and VCSB will also get family members or caregivers involved in the discussion if the client gives the OK. Clients will also be taught what’s socially acceptable.

“It’s a normal development,” Wright said of sexual curiosity in humans, intellectually disabled or not.

Arrangements

Jack Wall, director of Wall Residences, said those with intellectual disabilities are no different than others when it comes to sex. “People with disabilities have the same urges and needs as everybody,” he said.

Wall said his agency routinely works with clients on sex issues, and said under the right circumstances efforts are made to make living arrangements or marriage plans. Other times, those with sexual urges might need more counseling, or a certain relationship might not be healthy for a client, Wall said. Emotional ramifications must be considered as well.

“These days there is a lot more understanding how these things can be done,” Wall said. “As long as it’s healthy, there’s an acceptance.”

Decades ago, Wall said the issue of sexuality wasn’t handled well, and said those with intellectual disabilities often lived in the same room with dozens of others.

“People didn’t have a private bedroom,” he said.

Sexually transmitted diseases were a problem, according to Wall, and privacy was non-existent. Wall noted that all of his clients have their own bedroom. “It does provide that opportunity for personal space and privacy,” he said.

Wall, who has worked with the intellectually disabled since 1971, said he’s seen a massive improvement in the way sex is approached in his field.

“It’s kind of a good thing,” he said.

A good path

Kim Goodloe, a Hanover mother of an 26-year-old son with intellectual disabilities, said she saw a shift in her son, Christopher, following the onset of puberty.

“We noticed the changes, the attraction to girls,” she said Thursday.

Kim Goodloe said Christopher — diagnosed with tuberous sclerosis, a genetic disorder that can cause developmental delays, among other things — had girlfriends over the years, and said she counseled her son about sex and the possible ramifications, and “what it meant to have a baby. I don’t think he was having sex back then, but we had concerns.”

When Christopher, whose IQ is below 70, entered the Mason LIFE Program at George Mason University, which is geared toward those with intellectual and developmental disabilities, according to the school’s website, part of the curriculum included a class on sexuality.

“The program was like an answer to a prayer,” Kim Goodloe said. “That really helped Christopher.”

Christopher, who does very well socially and in community settings, his mother said, eventually landed a job a local supermarket. While at a friend’s birthday party six years ago, he met Jaime Curtis, a woman with Fragile X syndrome, the most common known cause of inherited intellectual disability, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

The friendship evolved into a relationship within a year, and Christopher and Jaime eventually moved in together in October 2014. In June, the couple wed.

“We basically just took our time, took it slow,” Christopher said. “We were both a little bit nervous, but we were confident.”

Christopher said both families were supportive of the marriage, and said he saved up his money to buy Jaime a ring. He also went old school before his proposal.

“I did talk to Jaime’s dad before I asked the big question to her,” he said. “Then I asked her on Dec. 14, before Christmas.”

So far, so good for the independent couple.

“They just mesh,” said Kim Goodloe.