Calling the SyFy* network…

Updated on May 7, 2009 By Ken Begg 9 Comments

Why do their movies suck so bad when they could just ape headlines from around the world? Like this.

All you need to add is a group of murderous desperados willing to do anything to get to fortune buried just outside of town, including kidnapping the hero and his coincidentally just back in town estranged entomolgist ex-wife, with said treasure coincidentally located just where the spiders have made their giant nest…

[*I can’t believe I actually had to type that.]
Pin It

  • Ericb

    You forgot to mention that the spiders were created by the CIA as a super bioweapon to fight the Taliban out of their caves. The leader of the project just happens to be the entomologist’s old grad school professor.

  • …as played by Bruce Boxleitner…

  • Don’t forget the big town festival coming up! The mayor and businessmen need to hush up the spider thing or the festival won’t be a success. And if it’s not a success, they’ll be plunged into bankruptcy.

  • You mean the town’s annual [insert something spiders are attracted to] fest?

  • Reed

    The National Fly Tying Convention!

    Don’t laugh; tying flies is a big money hobby.

  • fish eye no miko

    “…are known as ‘bird eating spiders’…”

    Uh… I dunno what these things are, but Bird Eating Spiders are from South America. If that’s what this is, then it’s an introduced species (btw, never get my sister, who’s a biologist, started on THAT topic. Hoo, boy). It also sounds a bit smaller than the Bird Eating Spider. Though, interestingly, they also actually sound more venomous (unless the reporters wrong about how dangerous they are to humans, which wouldn’t surprise me). But in general, most tarantulas aren’t dangerous to healthy adult humans unless there’s an allergic reaction involved.

    Oh, hey, you forgot the hero’s hot niece (who loves wearing low-necked shirts and leaning forward a lot) and her sweet, precocious little brother (who happens to study spiders as a hobby), who skipped school to go to the festival, and now our hero can’t find them! Oh, noes!

  • Gah! Spiders!!!!!! Time to break out the snowshoes and shotguns.

    I saw a documentary where a bird-eating spider ATE A VENOMOUS SNAKE. IT ATE THE SNAKE.

    One more time: THE SPIDER ATE THE SNAKE.

    That’s stuff straight out of a nightmare. I’ve got the heeblie-jeeblies just thinking about it.

  • The Rev. D.D.

    We should ask the illustrious Ms. Kingsley about those spiders. She’d probably know if they’re introduced or just happen to share a nickname.

    kirk–
    You ever see the cane toad eat the mouse? *shudders*

    fish eye–
    I’m not a biologist but I can get going on introduced species as well. There was a report of a zebra mussel around here recently, which I am not happy about at all. Nasty little buggers.

    At least we don’t have snakeheads.

    Yet. *bum bum BUUUUUUM*

  • The term “bird eating spider” isn’t a real name – more of a description, originally applied to some of the larger South American spiders. But Mygalomorphs (the group which includes tarantulas) are found on every continent. No doubt calling the larger ones “bird eaters” makes them sound bigger. Like if I called my dog a “cow killer” on the basis that there is cow meat in her kibbles.

    I doubt many of the Australian species get to eat birds, but large hairy spiders are creepy even if they restrict their attentions to crickets and roaches. Even the South American Goliath spider doesn’t get to eat birds very often, though it’s clearly big enough to take out a sparrow or finch.

    Incidentally, the toxicity of mygalomorphs venom varies considerably – the American tarantulas are hardly toxic to humans at all, but the native Australian Sydney funnelweb spider (which is only middling-sized for a tarantula relative) is one of the more deadly spiders, and has caused several human fatalities.

    Anyway, I would be cautious about letting an unknown species of spider bite me – the odds are nothing bad would happen, but there is always the chance of discovering the next Hobo Spider.