The Ice Age is coming... don't panic!

By Richard Littlejohn for the Daily Mail
Updated: 05:50 EDT, 17 June 2011

At last, some good news for polar bears. The world is about to enter a mini Ice Age. Scientists working for the American Astronomical Society are predicting a significant drop in solar activity over the next decade.

Last time this happened, between 1645 and 1715, global temperatures plummeted and the River Thames froze over every winter.

While climate change alarmists insist we are heading for meltdown, the truth is that the world has actually been getting cooler in recent years.

Chilly: We can expect to see more of this weather, experts predict

Although the findings from the National Solar Observatory in New Mexico are bad news for the global warming industry, they are not necessarily good news for the rest of us. Politicians are bound to exploit the new evidence for their own purposes . . .

Britain will lead the world in tackling global cooling, the Prime Minister announced today. Unless we act now, he warned, the planet could soon freeze over.

He was speaking after the emergency United Nations climate change summit at the exclusive Cool Runnings ski resort in Jamaica. A new Global Cooling Bill will be brought before the next session of Parliament, aimed at increasing carbon emissions by 60 per cent.

The Energy Secretary has given the green light to a modern generation of peat-fired power stations and ordered an increase in drilling for North Sea Oil. Fossil fuels are believed to hold the key to reversing the drop in temperatures.

Alternative energy companies will be given billions of pounds in grants to dismantle wind turbines. These will be smelted down and converted into giant mirrors designed to reflect the sun’s rays in an attempt to reopen the hole in the ozone layer.

Thousands of these mirrors will be erected in areas of outstanding natural beauty all over Britain.

Landfill sites will be converted into vast open-air incinerators, operating around the clock in an attempt to maximise carbon output. Town Halls are to introduce twice-daily dustbin collections to provide the raw materials to keep the home fires burning, although this is expected to lead to a 300 per cent increase in council tax.

Households which fail to produce sufficient combustible material will face heavy fines. Anyone using more than one dustbin will go to prison for five years.

Those people who have installed solar panels, double glazing and loft insulation will have to pay higher taxes. This is necessary to recoup all the money spent in the past subsidising the installation of solar panels, double glazing and loft insulation.

It is hoped that by 2025, every home in Britain will be heated by a wood-burning stove.

The Transport Ministry is encouraging people who have brought hybrid vehicles to switch to petrol- and diesel-driven cars. Road tax on electric cars will rise to £5,000 a year.

London’s congestion charge zone will be scrapped, except for bicycles and low-emission vehicles.

Cyclists and drivers of the Toyota Pious will be charged £100 a day to enter the capital. The Mayor said the money raised will go towards a new fleet of motorcycles, powered by two-stroke engines, which will replace the current Boris Bikes.

The Prime Minister praised Lord Prescott, the EU’s special rapporteur on climate change, for setting an example. If we all drove two Jags, global cooling would be reversed within weeks.

The forthcoming high-speed rail link through the Chilterns will coincide with the reintroduction of steam trains throughout the country.

Aslef leaders welcomed the decision and immediately announced plans for a nationwide strike ballot in support of demands for a 30 per cent pay rise, the reintroduction of footplatemen and an end to flexible rostering.

Defence industry sources said Britain’s two new aircraft carriers, due in 2020, will be powered by coal.

A major expansion of air travel is also planned, with a sixth terminal being built at Heathrow at a cost of £100 billion. This will be funded by a new air passenger tax designed to replace the old air passenger tax.

The smoking ban introduced by the last government is to be scrapped. Cigarettes have been shown to make a significant contribution to greenhouse gases. Ministers believe the threat of a new Ice Age far outweighs any minor concerns about public health.

Several new quangos are being established to enforce the new rules, including the Global Cooling Executive, which will employ 5,000 civil servants and will be given sweeping powers to increase carbon emissions.

Local councils have already begun to place adverts in the Guardian for a new army of global cooling advisers on salaries of up to £100,000 a year, plus a gas-guzzling car of their choice.

The Prime Minister has been deeply influenced by Senator Al Gore’s latest film, Ice Station Zebra, about the perils of global cooling. One memorable scene features a lonely zebra shivering to death in Tanzania.

This film will be shown to every schoolchild in Britain over the coming weeks.

If the drop in temperatures continues, there are fears that dangerous species once thought to be extinct could soon reappear.

The spectre of mastedons, woolly mammoths and sabre-toothed tigers wandering the streets of Tunbridge Wells in search of prey is very real, the Prime Minister warned.

He was asked why Britain was rushing ahead in setting tough new targets for increasing carbon emissions, at a time when China  was going nuclear and closing coal-fired power stations at the rate of one a day.

The Prime Minister said the future of the planet was at stake. We owe it to our children not to repeat the mistakes of the past.

Meet the Cabinet Member for Dafter Communities

They used to pride themselves on their common sense in Yorkshire. Not any more. 

Gardeners working for Halifax Council have been told they can’t wear shorts to work this summer, no matter how hot the weather.

What are the risks involved in wearing shorts? Stinging nettles? Rose thorns? Rats?

Expressly prohibited: Halifax Council has issued an edict banning their gardeners from exposing their legs this summer. (Picture posed by model)

These are occupational hazards for a professional gardener. I suppose a snake could slither up your inside leg and give you a nasty nip on the unmentionables.

But you don’t get many poisonous snakes in Halifax, even at this time of year.

Councillor Pauline Nash, preposterously titled ‘Cabinet Member for Safer Communities’, said: ‘It is about trying to minimise accidents. It is better to be safe than sorry.’

There speaks the genuine voice of elf’n’safety.

Apparently, there are fears that gardeners could come into contact with hazardous pesticides.

Gardeners have always used pesticides. That’s what gardeners do. How long before Halifax starts insisting they all wear full radiation suits?

Meanwhile, in the Yorkshire resort of Bridlington, the council has banned kite flying.

In the name of elf’n’safety, anyone flying a kite on the beach could face a fine of up to £500.

Let’s hope councillors in Bridlington don’t follow the example of their oppos in Halifax. Otherwise, it’s only a matter of time before it becomes a criminal offence to wear shorts on the beach.

The Oscar for abuse of power goes to...

A couple who put up posters in their village appealing for help in finding their lost dog have been threatened with prosecution for fly-tipping.

Oscar, a one-year-old spring collie cross, disappeared from St Breward, Cornwall, in February.

Michelle and Jon Kellington-Hand were ordered to remove the notices from telegraph poles or face legal action.

Their local council said posters could only be put up on official notice boards.

Hold on, they’re looking for a missing dog, not spraying graffiti. Lost cat and dog posters are a fixture of modern life. Most people are sympathetic.

And how does the council come up with a charge of ‘fly tipping’? We’re talking about a few hand-made notices on telegraph poles, not someone dumping toxic waste or builders’ rubble in the hedgerows.

Yet again, this only goes to prove that if you give anyone in authority any kind of power, they will always, always abuse it.

Not set in Chigwell: Babe, The Sheep Pig

The word ‘babe’ has been included in the latest edition of the Oxford English Dictionary.

By all accounts, it is used liberally in a TV ‘reality’ show I’ve never seen called The Only Way Is Essex.

Whenever I hear the word ‘babe’ I associate it with that movie about a talking pig, although I don’t remember it being set in Chigwell.

Get well, Big Man

Last year I was lucky enough to meet Clarence Clemons, saxophonist in the E Street Band. A real gent.

If you’re a Springsteen fan you probably know by now that Clarence is in hospital after suffering a major stroke.

He’s not out of the woods yet, but friends say his vital signs are improving.

Not out of the woods yet: Clarence Clemons, left, performing with Bruce Springsteen and members of the E Street Band

Clarence has given pleasure to millions of us for over 35 years.

If you want to send best wishes for a speedy recovery, you can do so by email at notestoclarence@clarenceclemons.com.

Get well soon, Big Man.