Where Is the Dad in Parenting?

New parents constantly receive advice — mostly unsolicited — from seasoned parents. While women get tips about diapering, nursing or strollers, men tend to get stentorian directives about their new roles as fathers. One piece of advice I received sticks out in my mind: “When the baby comes, just do whatever your lady tells you to do. She knows everything.”

I would never have guessed obedience to be the best attribute of male parenting. But it speaks loudly of the presumed noninterest of men and their disengagement as parents. It’s a different way of asking the question, “Where are all the men?”

As I begin to enter this new world of caregiving, I notice a conspicuous absence of Y chromosomes in curious places. Diaper ads are directed to “hardworking moms.” Parenting sections of book stores have about three (if that) dusty volumes of books directed to men. And Amazon Mom cuts off half of the parent population just because the title sounds good. (The corporate explanation: " 'Amazon Primary Caretaker' just didn’t have the same ring to it.")

Even in the never-ending mommy wars — which are supposedly about parenting — men don’t figure as soldiers in the battle. Fights about the best ways to raise children exist in this strange Gilmanesque HerLand, where men have few roles other than not disturbing the existing discussion. Agreeing and absorbing yes, but public skepticism of the Holy Attachment Trinity of co-sleeping, babywearing and breastfeeding is sure to set the blogosphere afire. Imagine if a man had written Elisabeth Badinter’s "The Conflict." La Leche League and every doula in the country would have declared maternal mutiny.

Can men talk about mothering, or is that women only? It’s quite easy to quote deplorable statistics of gender inequality to justify the parental “othering” of men: women earn 77 cents for every man’s dollar; men underperform in household duties and “the year of the woman” celebrates a handful of women elected to office. It’s also easy and even more shortsighted to make a categorical declaration that certain parenting practices are simply better for children because “mothers know best.”

So what if fewer men attend P.T.A. meetings, hoard coupons to BuyBuyBaby, or know the difference between Cixous and Irigaray? Is that really a reason to wave the white flag and default to mothers as primary caretakers and proponents of the conversation? With such low expectations about men’s interest and capacity for parenting, there is little encouragement for change.

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