Age eight, in floor-length lime green and brown nylon, I was beckoned out by a stage magician. He showed the audience how his mini guillotine would slice a cucumber in two –thunk– before clearing out the pieces and sticking my wrist through the hole so recently filled by the innocent green salad vegetable, now departed. The wrist trembled.
Grab your party frocks. It’s a hell of a week this week, with a Saturday finale that finds us with a wrist resting in a guillotine, hoping we are in the hands of a competent cheeky stage musician and not some carpal Robespierre.
Incidentally, I’m typing this with two good hands.
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Aries
You want it big, you want it different, and you want it now. So does every other Aries. Like male bettas you each need to be put in your own little tank this week, where the worst you can do to your kind is pull faces through the glass. If you crave human contact, watch out for a Leo with Superman pants and energy to burn.
Taurus
This week you find it. That elusive third position. It makes your back ache.
Gemini
The focus moves off you this week, Gemini, which is fine, it’s a great week to be a spectator. Remember, the hardest seats have the best view. Whatever you see, try to keep quiet about it on Thursday, when flapping mouths find a fist to fit.
Cancer
Monday finds you nicking more bed sheets than the Scorpios at Halloween, and rushing to make it to Stonehenge for a dose of solstice sunstroke. The rest of the week you’re just trouble. Hiding in your shell won’t help you on Saturday; they’ll simply put rubber bands around your nippy claws and bring a crab-size pot of water to a rolling boil. Pray for a soft-touch Pisces to turn up on time. (Ha. That’s a laugh for a start.)
Leo
You know that conversation where you talk about what you would do if you only had one day to live? You might want to get it done this week.
Virgo
This week you light a long fuse without knowing what’s on the other end. Saturday will be fireworks or dynamite. Stay away from tall chimneys, keep a bucket of sand to hand, and practise your very best oooooo!
Libra
Relying on your partner for anything this week leaves you feeling like a trout in a bowl of custard. Should you feel lonely, baking a cake with a file in it and blagging a visitor’s pass is the way to make interesting new friends.
Scorpio
For a while now you’ve had the ability to stop traffic with a whisper, to change the weather with the power of thought. Events on Saturday make you realise your superpower. Sun! Rain! Lightning! Smog!
Sagittarius
Repeat after me: YIPES.
Take two after every meal.
Capricorn
It’s like Die Hard this week. But without Alan Rickman. Or Christmas trees. And I’m not certain you’re Bruce Willis.
Aquarius
Don’t analyze life this week. Don’t squint at it or prod it with your finger. Don’t try to squish it between two slides and stuff it under the microscope. Do your stuff as near normal as possible and you’ll see the truth you’re looking for, out of the corner of your eye. Looking straight at it will make it disappear.
Pisces
People need you to be your compassionate best this week. It might hurt a bit, which gives you a marvellous opportunity to flex that martyr muscle. Sleep through the weekend if you can. I don’t promise it will all still be here when you wake up.
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Doctor’s orders.
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Distracted Astrologer 
No Alan Rickman?? What’s the point?
No point. None at all. Awful, isn’t it.
Fruit!
arse.
Thanks for the nice tank! Please could you kindly move it over to the telly so I can watch the tennis? Thank you that’s perfect!
Morvah, you can have yours on wheels, with a remote control. I trust you.
Strawberries and fizz?
Leo
You know that conversation where you talk about what you would do if you only had one day to live? You might want to get it done this week.
???? SCARING THE HELL OUTTA ME!! ?????
Not to worry, LD, could you imagine what would happen if that particular marvellous 12th of the population dropped down dead all at once? The rest of us would never be able to get together enough fabulous flowers for the funeral. I’m partial to a nice bunch of lilies and don’t really want to see them on top of gold Leo coffins instead of my sideboard.
It’s a tricky week. Leo has the ace of transiting Venus up its sleeve. Uranus, Saturn and Mercury are being a bit challenging with Venus, but I think she likes it that way, because she likes it *any* way. Soooo, take a risk Leo, do something saucy that you’ve always wanted to do. I’m not saying Leos will get away with it, but what the hell. If not now, when?
Thanks, thats proper my ‘ansome. Actually I’ve got 8lb stawberries pureed in the freezer and more to pick, so thanks but no, Big yes on the fizz though – will you join me?
Not arf. Any chance of a spoonful of that frozen strawberry puree at the bottom of the glass?
good lord! what is happening on this… this… Saturday you speak of???? Yeah. I’m totally gonna sleep all weekend. And maybe all week really…
Hello jasminewolfy, astrologers have been all excited for ages about a major aspect pattern in the skies this year. It’s a cardinal t-square involving an opposition between Uranus and Saturn, both square Pluto. At the mo Jupiter is keeping Uranus company in the early degress of Aries, so there’s that. Anyway, come Saturday there’s a full Moon in Capricorn (conjunct Pluto). This means that the Sun in Cancer is making the cardinal t-square a grand cross. Biggy enough, only it so happens that this full moon is a lunar eclipse.
I’m really, really, interested to see how this one pans out, globally and personally. Bernadette Brady, who knows her eclipses, says that this one is part of a productive series, with ‘successful outcomes after initial worries or sickness’. The solar eclipse that goes alongside is two weeks later. It’s a fascinating time. If you’re interested, do a bit of reading around ‘cardinal t-square 2010’ or ‘lunar eclipse 26 june’.
Thanks for popping along. I will have got an essential bit of the above wrong, cos i’m wearing my sleepy head. Expect to come back tomorrow and put it right.
I can’t believe I did not post my post – it was something about taking note to not call a Pisces and dousing my claws in some sort of rubber-band burning ointment and practising my muhahah’s as I ran out the door sideways after foiling their plans – but it’s not here :S
Oh, good muhahas. Respect. I think you were spreading your Cancer hideyseeky mojo.
Something strange has happened, Karen. I had to approve your comment just now, and we know you have a laminated lifetime free pass to here.
Call on a Pisces this week. Some of ’em have their Sun square a conjunction of trad and modern rulers, and could do with the validation that they can be trusted. Can’t think of whom i might be thinking [cough].
I’ve just found Ravenesque on fbook (http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Ravenesque-Astrology-and-Asteroids/129856790369633?ref=ts folks, followfollow!) hurrah!
It’s a conspiracy theory in the making :O Caught you xo
My dear friend, as always you are right on the money! What was a nice hot bath is now a rolling boil.
Ach, K. Grab that Pisces and get him to run some cold in, quick.