I don't know who to choose
From Carry, age 33, by email
I am childless but want kids. There are two men in my life. There's a lovely older guy, aged 53. He's sophisticated and engaging and very kind and I love his company. But recently I met a 28-year-old guy. He's sexy and full of energy and I feel really attracted to him. He's newly arrived in Britain from Poland and is unemployed. I don't know who to choose. Please help!
Carole replies:
A worldwide study of sexual preferences revealed that females feel more secure if they have a mate in reserve. It seems you have the best of both worlds. The older male is established and able to offer you security and thus provide for any children you may have with him, but you should be aware that male fertility and the condition of sperm decline with age.
The younger male, on the other hand, is likely to have a higher sperm count. He excites you more sexually, but as yet he cannot provide for you or your future children. However, the "sexy son hypothesis" states that sons born of sexy strangers will mature to become sexy men themselves, thus providing granny with plenty of grandchildren.
Some Darwinists might say your optimal strategy would be to pair-bond with the older male but surreptitiously allow the younger, sexy male to fertilise you. But be careful, most men consider being cuckolded the greatest of betrayals.
Good luck!
David M. Buss et al. International Preferences in Selecting Mates: A Study of 37 Cultures. Journal of Cross-cultural Psychology (1990); 21(1): 5-47.
I want to divorce him
From Suzie, age 47, by email
I've been with my husband for 20 years, we have two daughters, I love him but he is mad in some way. He has never been diagnosed with anything, but he is always chopping and changing his projects, he is self-employed but never makes any money. I work full time and I'm worn out. I support him, I fund our lives, I do everything with the girls.
There's no one else and I don't want my kids to suffer, but I want to divorce him.
Carole replies:
Twenty years ago you saw potential in your mate, but he has disappointed you. Perhaps you have stayed with him because you fear he cannot cope alone? You have daughters and they are no doubt aware of your feelings, even if you haven't said anything.
We have not evolved to stay with one mate for the whole of our adult lives. Some of us do so and enjoy it, but others don't. If your partner is weakening you it will be harder for you to invest time and energy in your daughters, who will need advice and support from their mum until they are settled adults. Then they will require support from you to look after their own offspring.
You should have your husband medically assessed. It may be that some form of genetic disorder underlies his erratic behaviour, in which case he will need counselling and support. But you will also need to inform your daughters so that, if they are carriers, they do not themselves mate with men suffering from the same condition.
My friends think I'm a loser
From Jenny, age 39, by email
I'm a twice-divorced mum with three sons, the youngest from my second marriage. I keep choosing useless men. I've turned to drink and drugs a bit to get me by. I've not worked for a few years. My elder sons see their dad sometimes but the youngest doesn't see his dad at all. Out of all my friends I'm the one with problems, I can tell when I confide in them that they think I'm a loser. I'm broke and I'm not sure how to change things.
Carole replies:
Don't let your self-respect fall by allowing yourself to feel that your friends' lives are better than your own. Everyone has problems, but maintaining your self-respect will help you to maintain your social status. A low-status chimpanzee mother has low-status infants, and humans are no different, so you must retain your self-respect at all costs.
You obviously want to make changes, which is good. Why not ask your sons what they think? Young children have opinions – they are wired for survival and will ask for changes that will benefit themselves. Having said that, youngsters do tend to think short-term and some of their suggestions might not be feasible, but seeing their points of view will be useful to you.
If you keep prioritising your sons you will, in a roundabout way, be helping yourself.
Certain genes are connected with addictions to alcohol and other drugs such as cocaine. For example, an irregular form of the "D2" gene can result in having a third fewer dopamine receptors than normal. Those with the unusual D2 may unconsciously be trying to raise their dopamine levels with stimulants. You need to understand your genetic makeup to be able to take control. Why not ask your GP for a blood test? In the meantime try raising your dopamine levels naturally by laughing and playing with your sons.
Carole is UK-based and as such any advice she gives is intended for a UK audience only.