FADE IN:

INT. USS KELVIN - THE FUTURE

CAPTAIN FARAN TAHIR watches as a BROKEN WICKER BASKET MADE OF METAL emerges from a BLACK HOLE.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Captain, are you seeing this?

FARAN TAHIR

No, all I can see are fucking lens flares!  Did someone just discover Photoshop in 1998 or something?

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Sir, I think it's just a trick to make everyone who downloads the movie think it was a bad capture and delete it.

Suddenly, ERIC BANA appears on a screen.

ERIC BANA

I demand that your captain board my random-looking bundling of metal spikes and slightly curved surfaces.

FARAN TAHIR

Seeing as how the only way an in-person discussion differs from what we're doing now is that the former offers you a way to kill me, I'll go ahead and comply.

He DOES, and ERIC kills him.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

Alright, that makes me captain.  Someone get my wife to an escape pod while she delivers my son.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH'S WIFE

Chris, no!  You have to come with me, a lack of a father figure will surely turn our son into an insufferable douchebag.

CHRIS HEMSWORTH

I can't.  JJ Abrams doesn't know how to direct anything that isn't "Lost", so I have to stay behind and die dramatically as the sound effects are muted in favor of sad-sounding violin music.

CHRIS dies.

EXT. IOWA - UNITED STATES - EARTH - LONG SCENE HEADING

A YOUNG CHRIS PINE speeds down a road in a 280-YEAR-OLD-CAR while listening to 250-YEAR-OLD-MUSIC.  A POLICE OFFICER DRESSED AS SNAKE-EYES FROM G.I. JOE chases him.

YOUNG CHRIS PINE drives the car off a cliff and just barely manages to pull himself up from the ledge.

POLICE OFFICER

Citizen!  What is your name?

YOUNG CHRIS PINE

My name is Chris Overacting Pine!

POLICE OFFICER

Citizen!  What is the point of this scene?

YOUNG CHRIS PINE

I have absolutely no fucking clue!

YOUNG CHRIS PINE eventually grows into CHRIS PINE and he goes to a bar where he meets ZOE SALDANA.

CHRIS PINE

Finally, the first scene introducing me as the new James Kirk to the world! I think it's only fitting that I come off as a complete dickwad and hit on you.  Let's go back to my place, I think a hull breach is imminent.

ZOE SALDANA

Ack!  Holy shit, is my name in caps and centered above this?  Why are my thoughts being written down?  What's going on?

CHRIS PINE

That's dialogue.  It means you get to say things out loud in the movie.

ZOE SALDANA

Uhura has actual lines?  Oh good Christ, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do here.  Can someone rescue me from this?

Suddenly, a fight breaks out between CHRIS PINE, FOUR STARFLEET CADETS, and APPARENTLY THE CAMERA MAN.  Once CHRIS finishes getting his ass kicked, BRUCE GREENWOOD talks to him.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

I looked up your file.  Your aptitude test scores are off the charts.

CHRIS PINE

Off the charts?  Your aptitude test scoring system has a serious design flaw.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Enlist in Starfleet.  Boldly go where no man has gone before!  Meet new and interesting alien life forms that look exactly like humans except with one feature difference such as skin color, eye size, or ear shape!

CHRIS PINE

Look, I'm just not Starfleet material.  The only thing I'm any good at is hanging off ledges.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Just think about it.  The ship for new recruits leaves tomorrow, and there's apparently no other way for you to enlist other than boarding it.

CHRIS rides his bike some more and looks contemplatively at a STARSHIP being built.

CHRIS PINE

Wow.  It's so amazing.  How the hell are they ever going to launch that thing off the surface of the planet?

CHRIS joins STARFLEET and hops on a ship headed into SPACE even though the ACADEMY is on EARTH. He meets KARL URBAN.

KARL URBAN

Nice to meet you. I'm enlisting because my wife took everything in the divorce. All I've got left are my BOOOOONEEESSSS. Eh? Eh? Bones!

CHRIS PINE

So, this movie's official explanation for your nickname is basically that my character likes to incessantly remind you of your painful divorce. Wow, I really am an insufferable douchebag.

INT. STARFLEET ACADEMY - EARTH

CHRIS smarms his way through school, acting like an obnoxious fratboy in scene after scene.  ZACHARY QUINTO accuses him of cheating on a test, since nothing makes compelling drama like ACADEMIC WHINING.

ZACHARY QUINTO

I demand Chris Pine be expelled from the academy, he got Dawson's Creek in my Star Wars!

CHRIS PINE

Me? You got Star Wars in my Dawson's Creek!

TYLER PERRY, UGH

I'd love to expel the brash, renegade youth but unfortunately a sudden emergency demands our complete attention, thereby giving him a second chance to prove himself!

CHRIS PINE

How incredibly original!

Everyone that has had a line so far winds up on the USS ENTERPRISE.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Listen up, we've gotten a distress signal from planet Vulcan, which strangely is also the word used to refer to people from it.  They have reported what appears to be a metal cactus in space.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Our mission is to find out what's going on and not in any way risk our lives since you're just a bunch of students and your parents would fucking kill us if we got you injured on what is basically a field trip.

JOHN CHO

Setting a course for White Castle, er, Vulcan.

CHRIS PINE

Wait a minute, did you say metal cactus in space?  IT'S A TRAP!

BRUCE GREENWOOD heeds CHRIS'S advice, stopping the ship at exactly the place it would have stopped anyway.  They see all of the other STARSHIPS destroyed by ERIC BANA'S SHIP.

CHRIS PINE

Oh my God.  I can't believe it.

KARL URBAN

What, that you were right about the attack?

CHRIS PINE

No, that the green chick I was about to bone is dead now.  Do you have any idea how much dough I sank into her?  Shit was an investment, son!

KARL URBAN

Actually, you're right.  Our entire graduating class just got obliterated and nobody seems to give a shit.

BRUCE GREENWOOD

Alright everyone, I'm going to take a transport over to Eric Bana's ship.  Chris, John, and some random guy wearing a red shirt will land on the giant drill that Bana is using on Vulcan which we can't just shoot for some reason.  I'm promoting Zachary to captain.

CHRIS and JOHN land on the DRILL while the REDSHIRT dies.

CHRIS PINE

Look, we're paying tribute to the original series by conforming to its limitations!

JOHN and CHRIS have a fistfight with some ROMULANS. CHRIS gets his ass kicked yet again.

JOHN CHO

Hmm.  I see the comical fistfight and I hear the obnoxious "fistfight with aliens" music, but I don't see any overweight middle aged men.  Is this Star Trek or not?

Meanwhile, ANTON YELCHIN observes that ERIC BANA is creating a BLACK HOLE in the center of VULCAN.  ZACHARY decides he must rescue his parents and heads to the BEAMING ROOM to go down to the planet.

CHRIS and JOHN fall off the drill and plummet to the surface.  ANTON YELCHIN runs to the BEAMING ROOM and beams them up in midair.  ZACHARY arrives and demands to be beamed to the surface.

ANTON YELCHIN

Didn't we just leave from the same bridge?  How did I beat you here?

ZACHARY is beamed to the surface and he finds his parents.  Just when they are all being beamed up, the ledge that ZACHARY'S MOTHER, WINONA RYDER, is standing on collapses and she falls.

ANTON YELCHIN

Zachary, I lost the lock on your mother, I can't beam her up to the ship!

ZACHARY QUINTO

What?  You just beamed Chris and John to the ship while they were freefalling.

ANTON YELCHIN

This is different!

ZACHARY QUINTO

How is it different at all?

ANTON YELCHIN

She was in "Mr. Deeds" dude. Fuck her.

The BLACK HOLE finishes consuming VULCAN and ZACHARY assumes control of the ship.

CHRIS PINE

Zachary, we've got to rescue Bruce Greenwood.

ZACHARY QUINTO

With him off the ship, our rating in the 18-24 demographic has increased.  Rescuing him would be highly illogical.

CHRIS PINE

Zachary, without him this whole movie just looks like a bunch of kids playing Star Trek dress-up in the rich kid's basement.  We have to get him back.  Besides, none of us can rent a car without him.

ZACHARY maroons CHRIS on a nearby planet and heads toward EARTH.

EXT.  ICE PLANET HOTH

CHRIS wanders around the surface of the ice planet until he runs into a VAGINASAURUS REX.  He stumbles down a hillside and into a CAVE, where he meets LEONARD NIMOY!

LEONARD NIMOY

Hello Chris.  I am Leonard Nimoy, the future version of Zachary Quinto.

CHRIS PINE

Makes sense, I've got the entire surface of a planet to work with and I stumbled into your cave.  Please, continue.

LEONARD NIMOY

Many years from now, a star explodes and turns supernova.  I tried to create a black hole in its center using red matter, but I was too late.  The supernova destroyed Romulus.  Eric Bana got all pissy about it, but we got sucked into the black hole that I created, which sent us back in time, 25 years apart for some reason.  Conveniently when my younger self was no longer wearing pointy diapers.

CHRIS PINE

Holy crap this is stupid.  Are you done?

LEONARD NIMOY

Hardly.  Anyway, Eric abducted me when I came through and stranded me here so that I could watch my home planet be destroyed.

CHRIS PINE

He does understand that he went back in time right?  And can therefore just stop his home planet from being destroyed altogether?

(pause)

So wait, why does red matter destroy planets but send ships back in time?

LEONARD NIMOY

BLACK HOLES LET US DO ANYTHING!

CHRIS PINE

Apparently, since you're close enough to Vulcan to see it with the naked eye but not so close as to be sucked into the ensuing black hole.

LEONARD NIMOY

In any case, these events have created an alternate timeline with a much larger budget.  You are meant to be captain, we must get you back to the ship.

CHRIS PINE

I'm so glad this movie is rebooting the franchise and avoiding the overused plot contrivances that plagued the originals. Any chance you want to travel back to 1980's earth to pick up some whales?

They make their way to a FEDERATION OUTPOST and find SIMON PEGG.

SIMON PEGG

Hello.  I speak quickly in a thick Scottish accent, which passes for comic relief.  Also I'm obsessed with food because the other actor who plays this character was obese, God rest his soul. How can I help you?

LEONARD NIMOY

You can beam yourself and Chris onto a ship traveling at light speed!

SIMON PEGG

Sure, why not?  Believability pretty much went out the window with the whole red matter black hole thing, eh?

SIMON and CHRIS find themselves on the ENTERPRISE and confront ZACHARY.

CHRIS PINE

Zachary, if I provoke an emotional response out of you then you'll have to step down as captain.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Do your worst.

CHRIS PINE

Actually, considering that my "asshole dial" has been turned up to eleven since the movie started, there's really nowhere else for me to go.  Uh, yo momma so dead...

ZACHARY QUINTO

How dead is she?

CHRIS PINE

Yo momma so dead, her maggots are being eaten by maggots!

ZACHARY starts beating the hell out of CHRIS PINE, who simply cannot seem to win a fight.  ZACHARY stops just short of opening CHRIS'S head and eating his brain to acquire "hanging off ledges" powers, though.

ZACHARY QUINTO

Damn.  Since I am unfit as captain, I suppose you will have to take my place.  And now that you have arrogantly assumed a title that you have not earned and insulted my mother, I have grown to respect you.

CHRIS PINE

Alright, here's the plan.  We'll beam onboard Bana's ship, steal the red matter, ignite it, then beam back.

KARL URBAN

Er, one drop of that stuff is enough to destroy a whole planet, so the whole thing--

CHRIS PINE

BLACK HOLES LET US DO ANYTHING!

KARL URBAN

Dammit Chris, I'm a Matt LeBlanc lookalike contest winner, not a physicist!

ZACHARY QUINTO

Wait, why not use some of the red matter to go back in time a bit further and stop any of this from happening?  Then I could save my home planet and my mother.

CHRIS PINE

No!  We have to do the thing that ends with a big action scene.  An action scene that requires lasers, mind you, no beaming a bomb into Bana's ship or anything. Let's get moving, we've got sequels to plan.

They execute the dumbest plan of all available options.  BANA is destroyed or maybe sent back in time again.

INT. STARFLEET ACADEMY - EARTH

CHRIS PINE is officially given the rank of CAPTAIN and receives a medal.

TYLER PERRY, UGH

Because your ship was pretty much the only one that survived, you win by default.  Congratulations.

CHRIS and ZACHARY become friends because LEONARD NIMOY told them they have to be.

LEONARD NIMOY (V.O.)

Space.  The final frontier.  Unless you count time, of course.

STAR TREK FANS

Waaahhh!  They destroyed Vulcan!  The Federation knows about Romulans too early!  It's not Gene Roddenberry's vision! Bwaaahh!

LEONARD NIMOY (V.O.)

Bah, you morons will pay for anything with the word "Trek" in the title.  Who gives a shit what any of you think?

END